Sex Therapy with Joslin Chidester, LMFTc – Guest Blog Post
This month’s guest blog is contributed by Joslin Chidester, LMFTc, a colleague of Root to Rise and a resource we want our patients to know about. Joslin provided an in service for the Root to Rise team in May. She is passionate about straight-talk when it comes to sex and enjoyment of sex, with partners or alone. This is an issue that is dear to our hearts because pelvic conditions can include symptoms that make sex stressful, painful, or not appealing and that can be frustrating when one wants joyful intimacy. Pain with sex is an issue we know impacts many people, but we also know it can be hard to talk about. Because of this, we wanted Joslin to have a platform for her thoughts as a sex therapist on pain with sex. Read on to get Joslin’s take!
We are bombarded with ideas that sex is this wonderful, easy to do thing that doesn’t require lube, isn’t painful, and magically creates orgasm when a penis goes in a vagina. These assumptions are heteronormative and dismissive of reality. If you are someone who experiences pain with sex, the above idea of penetrative sex might make you tense just reading it, or feel like a failure.
If you are reading this post, then you are most likely aware of your pelvic floor, aware of pelvic floor dysfunction and the impact it has on your daily life and your sex life. You have probably felt like you have failed at some point because sex is painful. You have probably gotten into an argument with your partner about sex. And all of that, my friends, is the least sexy thing. Our brains are the biggest factor when it comes to our experience of sex. Whatever you call it, feeling down to bone, going to pound town, touching bathing suit parts, making the beast with two backs, etc., our brain greatly impacts how it feels. When you are thinking about fights around intimacy, or how much you don’t want to do this because it hurts, it is hard to be in the moment. It makes this thing that could be fun into something stressful and tense. It can transition sex into an item that gets checked off of a list, almost obligatory, rather than a way to be with yourself and with your partner.
Thankfully, there are ways to work around that. Penetration doesn’t have to happen to have a fun and sexy time. Think back to when you were younger and were necking with your boo thing. The “everything but” was kinda hot. You couldn’t necessarily make it to home base, but were pumped to make it to first base. Maybe it’s time to rethink your routine. Some good old fashioned dry humping can feel nice (on the brain and body). Or maybe exploring mouths on genitals can expand your options. And, thankfully, technological advances have allowed for toys and tools that allow for sensations of penetration without being penetrated, like strokers or masturbatory sleeves for use on penis having folks.
What I would never recommend is pushing through sex to check it off. I know this never works in the long long run. Instead it can contribute to a reinforced pain cycle when what one really needs is space to reconnect in a comfortable way. This might include avoiding penetration, getting creative with your partner(s) about what is fun, as well as getting intimate with yourself to see what you enjoy.