‘Mother Brain’ is the Perinatal Resource we Desperately Needed
I first learned about Chelsea Conaboy’s writing through a friend before I had children of my own. I was so intrigued by her exploration of the brain changes perinatally that when Boston.com limited my reading I called my parents and asked them to save me a hardcopy. At the time, her article brought a well researched perspective to the conversations I had with patients and friends as they started families.
Now that I am on the other side of pregnancies and deliveries myself, I realize that understanding these monumental shifts takes a lot more exploration and interest than perusing one article. This beautiful book covers so much more and feels like a very intelligent friend’s well thought out reply to so many of the questions I had during my first postpartum experience like: “Is this normal? Has it been this hard for so many before me? How are we not talking about this more? Why is this so different from anything I’ve done before?”
In Conaboy’s words, “New parenthood is a big disruption…It only makes sense that the process can be painful and disorienting” (70). I think we tend to downplay this societally, not only because we don’t want to assume anyone’s journey will be the same as ours (which it won’t be), but because there is very real pressure to feel immense gratitude and joy, leaving little space in conversation for all of the other emotions that accompany those. I know this was true for myself, particularly because I am so keenly aware of the fertility challenges that make the road toward having a baby so tumultuous and sometimes impossible for many.
I am so grateful this book exists so I can share it not only with those about to cross the threshold to parenting, but also with all of those who felt like they weren’t fully seen during their transition. We joke in our line of work that labor ends, but postpartum is forever, and this book helps to offer a glimmer of why this is so true. There are very real brain changes during this period that may last for the remainder of a parent’s life. And those changes are, in some ways, uniquely yours since your baby’s needs won’t always mirror your friends. One of my favorite passages from ‘Mother Brain’ says this so eloquently:
“Babies capture the attention of the adults in their lives, and then they use it. They shape those adults, at a fundamental level, into parents. They make them into people who will direct the resources of their own brains and bodies to meet the needs of the brains and bodies of someone else - needs that can vary wildly from baby to baby, or from day to day.” (85).
My biggest take away from my reading so far is that dedicated parenting is hard work. Incredibly hard work. It takes immense amounts of practice to be a caregiver, and that practice starts mostly once the baby is here. It starts for anyone raising that baby, whether they physically gave birth or not. There are no shortcuts. Mother instinct is earned, and gets better. It isn’t innate and it doesn’t apply only to mothers. So no, you aren’t broken if in the first weeks, months and years, it feels like you keep hitting roadblocks and stumbling often. You are. But you are learning your baby and your new self, and this is part of the work. Work that you can do.
This can feel unstable, and makes us vulnerable, so we need to be supported, held, and watched to make sure we are managing, but this period is meant to destabilize. The destabilization allows for the growth of new skills and the changed brain function needed to meet your new baby's incredible and ever-changing demands. This builds good parents. And good parents need good resources. This book is just that.